Why I don’t celebrate
Mother’s Day
As this Mother’s Day approaches I see the joyful posts on
Facebook as people describe how blest they are.
I am happy for other people, but I do have a melancholy pit at the
bottom of my stomach. I miss my own
mother whom I lost when I was 19 years old.
I think about how my life would have been different if she had never
died that day, if she were still here with me and my sister. On a bright note, the nineteen years I did
have her were some of the most wonderful of my life. Although we didn’t have a quantity of time,
we sure did have the quality. The love
she gave me still continues to carry me through life’s struggles each and every
day!
Another reason I don’t celebrate Mother’s Day is it seems I’ve
been dealt another bad card in life. I
am unable to have my own children. I
guess I ignored the fact that a woman’s most fertile years are in her
twenties. I guess I watched the celebrities
having their own children in their late 30’s and thought –“Oh I have time”. (Little did I know what measures they went
through to have their children) I also
never found anyone I was ready to spend my life with, much less have a child
with, until I met Robbie. Even though we
have never had a miscarriage, we did go through several rounds of IVF. There is such grief each time it didn’t
work. On days like Mother’s Day that
grief returns. I don’t think that some people get this, I
have even lost several friends, because they think that I am being selfish that
I don’t celebrate the news that they are expecting another baby. And yes, I have been selfish, and perhaps
deserve to lose their friendship.
Each day I now live on hope.
I have the hope that we will adopt one day. I hope that Mother’s Day will take on a new
meaning for me. I have to hope and trust
that God does know the end of my story, and that becoming a mother in the
traditional way was not the path he ever meant for me to go down. I hope and trust that God already knows who
he wants me to be a mother to. All I
need to do is wait for that time to come.
As my social worker, and others have told me, “stay with the process –
there is not anyone who hasn’t started out in adoption who hasn’t ended up
adopting”. Another saying I try to
remember is to never give up on something you can’t go a day without thinking
about.
I also have to thank the wonderful women who are in my life
now. Even though they may not “officially”
be my mother, they are a blessing to me!
My mother-in-law Vann brings joy to my life. My step-mother Nancy has been there for me,
even at my worse. Other women and
friends fill that role for me each day.
So for all the “mothers” thank
you for being there for me, and just because you may not have given birth, you
are a blessing to others too!
